you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
