$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
