And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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