Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
