I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
