What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
