Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I cockslap morals
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
