im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
