can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
