you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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