Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
