If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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