What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
