How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
