My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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