I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think my tv is drunk
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize