Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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