I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
