dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
