i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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