Apparently you make a good broom.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
