How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
