OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
