I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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