the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
