She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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