i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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