FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
