I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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