the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
