I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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