I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
