I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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