remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
