we have officially lost it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
