remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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