sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
