I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
