I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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