he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
