shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize