five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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