The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
And then he peed in my hair
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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