Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
