Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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