I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
