Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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