I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
