I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
