Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
