I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
