Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
