Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
