Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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