Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
