Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
