i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
