It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
