She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
