He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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